KIDS: Winning the homework battle

Building better study habits without tears

From left, homework experts Stephanie O'Leary, Lauren Coby, Craig Sellinger

By LAURA SCHILLER

Afterschool hours can feel like a whirlwind: snacks disappear, video games beckon, team practices require rides, homework looms, dinner is served and finally, bed. Too often, homework becomes the sticking point in an already packed day — a nightly standoff that leaves everyone drained.

Elementary school children are expected to juggle multiple subjects, sometimes beyond what’s developmentally realistic. For many families, these struggles create stress that affects not only learning but family harmony too.

Experts say there are practical ways to reduce tension and help children build stronger, more confident study habits.

Why homework can be challenging

Stephanie O’Leary, Psy.D., a Mount Kisco-based clinical psychologist and author of “Parenting in the Real World,” explains that developmental needs play a major role in homework struggles.

“Kids need a lot of activity, even through age 12. Play is important for brain development and emotional regulation,” she said.

After a full school day, adding more structured academic demands can create a mismatch between what children need and what’s expected of them.

Homework difficulties can also reflect deeper emotional challenges. Anxiety and perfectionism often surface around assignments.

“Even in fourth and fifth grade, there are kids who can scan a worksheet and notice theirs has more red pen marks than a classmate’s,” O’Leary said. “That can be stressful.”

Persistent struggles may also signal learning disabilities or executive functioning challenges. “Significant struggles can be a yellow or red flag,” she said. Small skill gaps often show up first at home, where distractions and fatigue magnify them. Sometimes the issue is skill-based; other times, it’s emotional — and often, it’s both.

Understanding homework struggles

Craig Selinger of Brooklyn Letters, which offers speech, language and tutoring services in the tri-state area, agrees that homework battles rarely signal laziness. Children often need scaffolding, or structured adult support to begin tasks and stay organized.

“Once they get started, they might be fine. But getting started can be the battle,” he said. “Some children have strong academic skills but struggle with multi-step instructions or staying on track.”

Homework can also reveal gaps in foundational skills. Without automaticity in basic math or reading, even simple assignments can feel overwhelming.

“If you ask a child to name the number between 30 and 32 and they immediately say ‘31,’ that’s automatic. If they must count it out, the skill isn’t automatic yet,” Sellinger said. “Homework is often where these gaps first appear.”

He encourages parents to look for patterns: Does the child consistently struggle to begin? Do multi-step problems trigger meltdowns? Recognizing these patterns helps parents target support without taking over.

Parents’ supporting role

Lauren Coby, Psy.D., a psychologist and owner of Positive Development Psychology in Chappaqua, advises establishing a consistent homework routine.

“When kids know what to expect, they’re more likely to transition smoothly,” she said. Structured routines reduce conflict and minimize constant reminders or negotiations.

She recommends offering small choices, such as “Do you want to start with reading or math?” These give children a sense of control while maintaining the expectation that homework will be completed.

Remember that homework serves two purposes: reinforcing skills and showing teachers what students truly retain.

“If you do the work for your child, you create a false reflection of their understanding,” O’Leary said.

“You want to guide, not give answers,” Sellinger said. “Emotional support fosters independence while showing teachers what the child can do on their own.”

Breaking assignments into 10–15 minute intervals, creating a quiet workspace and pairing work with a small incentive can improve focus and mood. Praise effort, not just correctness. Comments like “I love how carefully you started that problem,” reinforce persistence and confidence.

Catch them being good

In her practice, Coby uses a method called “behavioral parent training,” which helps parents notice and praise positive behaviors rather than focusing primarily on misbehavior.

“Many families unintentionally give more attention to misbehavior than positive action,” Coby said. She teaches structured consequences and reward systems that motivate children while supporting growth.

“Catching children being good means praising positive behaviors while reducing attention for noncompliant, attention-seeking behaviors,” she said.

Communication with teachers is also key. If homework ends in tears, a brief email explaining how long the child worked and where they struggled can give teachers valuable context.

Coby encourages children to advocate for themselves as well.

“Teaching kids to write a note to the teacher or ask a question in class the next day helps them attempt challenging work, make mistakes and seek help appropriately,” she said. “That builds confidence that carries into other areas.”

Focus on the big picture 

Above all, experts remind parents to focus on the bigger goal. Yes, homework is work, but curiosity and a love of learning matter most.

With patience, structure, and emotional support, families can transform homework from a nightly battle into a steady routine that builds independence and growth, long after the backpacks are zipped for the night.